Comfort

For the second time in 5 minutes, I rubbed my eyes and tried to refocus on the padds in front of me. I tried to remember when I had last slept. Tired as I was sleep was eluding me. When I gave in to the weariness and laid down, my mind would not shut off and I would find myself back at this desk mulling over the data that we had collected. Time was running out to find the weapon and I didn’t think we were any closer than we were a month ago. Fear started to surface thru the fatigue and I pushed it back. Resolved I turned once again to the 3 padds before me looking for any clue that might lead us to our goal.

The door chime interrupted my concentration. I frowned. Who the hell would be coming to my cabin this time of the night?

“Enter.” I growled.

The door slid open.

“Cap’n?”

I didn’t move or turn at the sound of the familiar greeting.

“What’s on your mind, Trip?” I said hoping to get rid of him quickly.

I heard the door close behind him before he answered. “You, Cap’n. To be perfectly honest, I’m gettin’ worried about you.”

The words startled me. I turned to face him trying to remain impassive. I didn’t have time for this. I just wanted him to go. As I stared at him, he took a step closer.

“You look like shit,” he said.

I almost smiled but instead gave him my best “dismissed” look and said.

“I’m all right, Trip.”

But he didn’t leave. He walked behind me and put his hands on my shoulders.

“Trip, what are you—“ I started to protest.

“Shut up,” he said, squeezing my skin. “Take a deep breath and hold it.”

“Trip—” I began again.

“Breathe!”

The tables were reversing. I wasn’t sure I liked taking orders from him but his hands on my shoulders were strangely comforting. It had been a long time since I have had physical contact with anyone.

Giving in to his demand, I sighed and took a deep breath in as Trip demanded. I held it for a while and then my senses returned and I let it out noisily.

“I really don’t have time for this right now.” I willed my body to move but his light touch held me in place.

“Yeah, I know.” Trip agreed and let go of the pressure that he was putting on my skin. Just as quickly I felt him reach under the collar of my t-shirt and started rubbing in small circles. His touch was gentle. I sighed quietly. I should get back to work. I sat there impassively willing him to be gone but not having the strength to order him away. I somehow didn’t think it would do much good anyway. Trip could be stubborn when it suited him.

His voice interrupted the flow of thoughts again.

“Have you slept at all?” He asked concern in his voice.

I thought for a moment, how long had it been? I smiled a little in embarrassment.

“Thursday,” I muttered.

“It’s Saturday,” he stated and grabbed a larger handful of my shoulder and squeezed. My tense muscle protested in a flare of pain.

“OW!” I yelped in spite of myself and jerked away from him. I turned my head and gave him another glare as I protested.

“Easy, you’re going to put me in sickbay.”

“Oh, don’t be a baby,” He chided me. I glared at him again. Quickly he added. “Cap’n.”

Part of me wanted to smile but I didn’t. I tried to find the will to order him to leave. But it was actually rather nice having him here. It was pleasant for a moment to have someone taking care of me.

He didn’t say anything more and he didn’t release his hands from my shoulders either. Instead he ran his hands over my shoulders massaging firmly but gently as he went along until he was at the tops of my arms. I found myself responding to his efforts and the padds were forgotten for the moment. He didn’t stop at my arms but went back up and massaged my earlobes for a moment. What an odd sensation that was. In a way it was very intimate but before I could move away or protest, his hands continued once again to my back. The sensations were threatening to overwhelm me. Physical touch has always been an important part of my life but it has been sadly lacking in the last few months. It was me who pulled away from Trip and from my crew. I thought it would protect me but it hasn’t.

I felt gooseflesh break out as his hands reach my back once again and continued to my shoulderblades. He seemed to be searching for a certain spot. I felt his thumbs press into my flesh. It should have hurt but in a rush I felt all of my nerves of my body relax. I have never felt anything like this. In spite of myself I groaned.

“Oh my God.”

Trip never hesitated and moved higher up and exerted more pressure with his thumbs. The sensation came again and I grunted in spite of myself.

I tried to struggle against what Trip was doing but I was losing as he continued manipulating the pressure points. Vaguely I wondered if this was some of the Vulcan Neuropressure that I knew Trip was doing with T’Pol. But the thought fled almost as soon as it formed. He moved his hands up to the bottom of my skull and then smoothed his fingers down my neck.

By the time he had done this a couple of times, I gave into the sensations completely and allowed my muscles to relax totally. I sighed in surrender as my neck refused to hold up my head any longer. My head sagged to my chest. Trip’s hands quieted and he moved them down onto my shoulders.

This was a man that I trusted with my life. I cared about him more than I allowed myself to think about. My defenses were down and those comforting arms called to me. I leaned against his arm and sighed. All my doubts, all my fears bubbled up as I drew comfort from him.

“I don’t know what to do, Trip.” I whispered not even knowing if he could hear me.

“I know. It’s okay.” He said softly squeezing my arms slightly.

I sat there for a moment before realizing that I had no right to ask him to share this burden with me. The tension returned. I pulled away from him.

It’s not okay,” I said as I stood up and moved away from him.

The massage had had an effect on me and I was a little unsteady but determined not to show it. I paced my cabin and looked at Trip.

“It’s not okay, Trip”. I repeated. “ I’m the captain of this ship.”

I took another couple of steps and turned back to Trip but my legs suddenly were not working and my eyes wouldn’t stay open. I felt myself sway and then Trip was beside me with his arm around my waist. I leaned heavily on him and he half dragged/half carried me the few steps to the bed. He lowered me as gently as he could to the bunk and I collapsed on my stomach. I don’t know if I could have moved but I didn’t want to so just lay there.

I felt him sit down beside me. A thought surfaced that he was going to lie down beside me and I was disappointed when he didn’t. I wondered where that thought had come from but then I felt his hand on my back as he said softly.

“Jonny, you’re not going to be good to any of us if you don’t get some rest. The world isn’t going to end if you sleep tonight.”

My heart leapt at the sound of him using my old nickname and I felt my body shiver. He started stroking almost caressing my back. There were no thoughts, no plans, and no burdens, only Trip massaging me. I closed my eyes and concentrated on the sensation. I felt him touch the corner of my eye. I sighed softly. His fingers were magic. Gently he stroked and I drifted down toward sleep. Just then I felt his hand move until his fingers were in my hair. I opened my eyes and smiled at him. There was so much I wanted to say to this man who I trusted with my life, who I would gladly die for.

“Thank you, Trip.” I murmured. It was all I could manage. I closed my eyes again. His hand stroking my hair, intimate and comforting finally sent me over the edge to peaceful sleep.

My last thought was not of Xindi or weapons but of a man with blue eyes and golden hair.

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